Dear Unsolicited Advice Giver,
Ever since I was born, you’ve been approaching me with declarations such as “I wouldn’t do that if I were you”. This confused me for a very very long time because that sentence makes no damned sense. It makes no sense because I am 100% certain that you would do exactly what I am doing if you were me because you would be me. Being me, you would have the same genes, upbringing, experiences and thought processes as I do so and so, you would be exactly where I am now.
Your more audacious announcements such as “you should(n’t) do this instead of that if you want to amount to anything” or the particularly
sadistic sanguine “it’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that you would be better/prettier/more likeable/more credible if you did/became that instead of this” confused me even more as they sounded just a tad bit shaming and dehumanizing mean but you always spoke them with a hopeful smile and kind eyes. The dissonance was a bit dizzying, to be honest.
However, because I
cried myself to sleep night after night for years and gave myself a ludicrously high number of breakdowns in the process have excellent communications skills, I was able to translate your coded message of “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” and its kith to the following idea, which I am assuming is what you meant to say:
wouldn’t do that if I were you am concerned about you and want you to be well regardless of what your nature different to mine requires to achieve this state. Unfortunately, I do not understand your nature different to mine well enough to be able to provide you with (more of) the resources you need to be well or better. That being said, I’d like you to know that my nature different to yours is inconvenienced by actions such as the one you are presently undertaking so if you ever want to help me, don’t offer me this particular action as a viable solutions to any problems that I may have in the future”.
I received your message agonizingly loud and unclear! I also took note of your preferences and wish to thank you, Unsolicited Advice Giver, for caring about me enough to wish me success and happiness. Thank you, Friend, Family, Relative, Acquaintance, Society and/or Promoter of Norms and Cultural Morality for being so proactive about your concern for my well-being that you are just running over and offering to help me before I even have time to ask you. I feel the love! Especially from you, Society, with the millions of unsolicited pieces of advice you send me every single day using a variety of incredibly determined media and troubadours.
My kind-hearted Unsolicited Advice Giver, I want to tell you that you have my heart-felt appreciation for your concern. I am grateful for your good intentions. I am awed that you so exuberantly and passionately want to protect me from suffering that you will go out of your way to chase me down to gift me with your attentions.
However, I would ask you to make just one teeny tiny little change in the way you approach me with said attentions. Out of recognition and respect for all of the infinitely diverse variants and deviations of the Universe, my well-intentioned Unsolicited Advice Giver, I request that you please love me while remembering that I am of a nature different to yours.
We are all parts of the same Universe, correct. I must coexist with you, indeed. We all belong in the Range of One [1 = (0 < 1 < 2)], accurate. You are #1 and so am I, true. But 1.00004652 (you) =/= 1.884692073 (me) even if they are both equally #1.
I get that you’re just looking out for Number One when you give me your unsolicited advice but if you want to effectively look out for the particular variation of Number One that I am, you’d be best off if you just asked me what I need instead of constantly telling me what you want, need and like.
Thank you so much for the
extremely clumsily articulated who the fuck taught you how to declare your affection you should go back and demand a refund and maybe have those motherfuckers drawn and quartered because they bloody well ripped you off you suck SO BAD at being kind I can’t even constant declarations of love and thank you for telling me what you like, need and want so that I can show you that I cherish you just as much as you do me! I reciprocate your adoration; really, I do! I love you too, friends, family, acquaintances, relatives, societal peer-pressure and Promoters of Norms and Cultural Morality!
Now would you please just
learn to say what you damn well mean ask me what I want? It’s easy! Instead of saying “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” or “you’ll never amount to anything if you do(n’t) do this instead of that” or even “it’s not that I don’t like you the way you are, it’s just that you’d be a better you if you just did that instead of this”, approach me and say the following:
“I want you to be well or, if you are well, to be better. What do you need to be well or better in whichever way is natural for you?”
My welcomed Unsolicited Advice Giver, I promise that if you come to me and speak those words, I will tell you. I will let down my hair, bring you into my tower and tell you everything you want to know. I will encourage you to care for me as much as you want by telling you “Here is my dream. If you can give me this, this or that to help me achieve it, give it. If you can’t give me anything I need, help me find someone who can. If you can’t help me find someone who can, I thank you for loving me enough to try to help me.”
And when I am done taking your unsolicited yet much appreciated help, I will ask you the magic words in return: What do you need to make your dreams come true?